One day I'll be able to say, "I got through it."

Yeah, I swore I was back last week. Didn't follow through. Sorry. Wait, I'm not sorry for that :) Still trying not to say sorry for everything....

This summer has been a little rough. Honestly, lots of stuff going on. I need to not be under so much pressure. I have a lot on my shoulders lately and I need to remember to just breath and pray and trust that it's going to pass.

Matt's diabetes has been difficult for him (and all of the rest of us) to deal with lately. The spikes in his blood sugar have caused some irritability and moodiness. I am trying to be as understanding as possible. But it is hard. The doctor thinks he got pancreatitis a few weeks back and that this is what caused the major ups and downs. Before, he was able to manage his diabetes with some meds, diet and exercise. But not anymore. This week they put him on insulin shots. He is pretty down about it. Matt has type 2 diabetes. It's totally genetic. If you know my husband you know that he is just about as healthy as they come. He has always  put so much effort in to his healthy lifestyle, so this has hit him pretty hard. I think it just goes to show that we don't have total control over our bodies like we think we do sometimes. It sucks when we learn this the hard way.

So, I have been very busy lately, trying to be understanding, loving, and full of grace during this season. It is not easy to love your spouse through things like this when life is crazy and eventful on it's own.

At least it hasn't been for me.
And when I say love I don't mean "love ya"-at-the-end-of-the-phone-call kind of love. I mean total unconditional I-love-you-even-though-you-have-nothing-to-offer-me-right-now kind of love. I-love-you-even-though-you-are-crabby-at-me kind of love. I-love-you-even-though-you-are-too-tired-to-help-me-with-bed-time-routine kind of love. Selfless love. Through sickness and in health. Through it all I promised to love this guy.

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And you know what doesn't help? Family Pictures.
Our awesome church puts out a photo directory every few years. The last photo we took was so goofy and lame. It was from 2008 and Nunie (our now deceased dog) was in it. Max was like 10 months old. I swore this one was going to be gorgeous. (Okay really I just wanted to make sure that I was gorgeous in the picture.) I blow dried and straightened my hair for the first time this summer and wore a nice white shirt with a new scarf I got (church has central air so I thought I would be safe and not too hot.... wwwrrooong.) Matt wore dark gray. Eli wore a white dress shirt. Gabriel wore an olivey green western-hipster type shirt, and Max? Pick and choose your battles, right? A tuxedo shirt. rolled up to his elbows. With a black bow tie. Yep.

The appointments were backed up and so we had to wait about 30+ minutes.
So my kids were squirrely. I was sweaty. And Matt? YEah.

my bangs actually looked fine here. but nope, they acted a fool
by the time the camera started snapping. 

So I'll just say that on the way home I was just about in tears. Why do I care so much? Is it because we get a free 8x10 with a swirly blue background? No.  Is it because my bangs did not lay right? Well sorta, no. Was it because Max looked like it was the end of the night on his wedding day? No.

I think it was because as moms, we want the dang picture to just turn out right so that we can look back and see that these were happy years. We don't want to look at the picture and be reminded of how much work it was to get screaming sweaty kids in to clean clothes, of how we hated our bodies and hated the effects of Minnesota summers on our perfectly coiffed hair, of how we were mad at our husband for not putting the right shoes on the toddler... etc. etc.

I talked to my mom last night and she said it was the same story for her back in the days of family photos when we were kids. She said that she still looks back at them and cringes at her hair or her "chubby cheeks" (oh stop mom! You were beautiful!") When I look at those pictures? I think, wow, mom looked so nice, grace was so goofy, Gil thought he was too cool, Sam thought so too, and David looks goofy because he was trying to look too-cool just like the older boys. And I was just straight up TOO cool for that. And my dad? He looked so sweet, and so proud to be sitting next to his lovely wife and crazy, exhausting children that he loved so much. I don't remember mom and dad hollering at us to get dressed and brush our teeth  because we were late, or the stress of the family piling in to the car. I do remember that my mom let me wear my favorite green corduroy shirt in 7th grade though :)

So I need to chill. Easier said than done, but I do. Everything is going to be alright. Preach it Bob Marley.

Someday I am going to look back at the cheesy family photos and with happiness and relief, I will be able to say,

"I got through it."

And I will be able to tell other mamas, "you'll get through it too."

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