Crabby mama crabby mama what do YOU see?

I see lots of dirty dishes looking at me. 

I want to be crabby about it. But I am trying to change my heart about it.

I do dishes up to three times a day. And we don't have a dishwasher.

So, in this moment, I'm trying to see something different than just 20 minutes of more house work.
What do I see when I look at this millionth sink full of dishes that I am about to dive in to?

I see plates that served peanut butter toast and apple sauce for lunch.
I see bowls that served oatmeal.
I see water bottles and glasses that delivered fresh, clean water to my thirsty babes and our friends.
I see silverware that my kids used to play with play dough used to feed themselves.
I see pots and pans that we cooked dinner in last night.

... which means my family has had another meal. My babies have full bellies and have had plenty to drink today. They didn't have to experience any real feeling of hunger. They didn't have to experience thirst.

So today i am choosing to be grateful for the dirty dishes.

And I'll get right on them as soon as I help Eli get Gabriel's "comfy boots" on for the 327th time today.

It's been a while friends. Hope you all are hangin' in there as the weather is getting colder and the days are getting shorter.

Life has been busy lately: New babies, new life challenges, new friends, new books, new stages and phases, new sets of swears + prayers, new experiences, new relationships, lots of newness.

I get to go to FlArida in a week and a half! Maybe I can catch up on blogging there. Probably not though. Until next time sisters (and brothers too)...

quiet times

This last weekend with our house church we discussed how we manage our quiet times with God. What do I mean when I refer to quiet time? It's the alone time that you spend with God. What does it look like? Sometimes it's meditation and or prayer. Sometimes it's reading the bible. Sometimes it's listening to music. Sometimes it's just listening. Sometimes it's processing. Sometimes it's a walk through the fall leaves as you soak in nature and all it's splendor.

The times that I do get to read, pray, listen, and write (all at the same time!) are rare but so fulfilling. 

During our discussion it was comforting to hear how we all struggle to fit that time in. One guy said you need to be forcing yourself to wake early or stay up late if time is scarce. That there are no excuses. One mom talked about how difficult it would be to wake early, especially when babies are up in the night sick or  needing to nurse. Another guy talked about how waking at 5:30 for work was the earliest he could do, that he felt he wasn't able to wake any earlier.

So if our days are packed with work and child rearing and extra curricular activities and book clubs and kid's soccer practice and cleaning the house and walking the dog and being stuck in rush hour, how do we squeeze in that time?

For me, my faith is all about my personal and very real relationship with Jesus.

In any kind of close relationship that I have, I want that person to know that I love them and care about them a lot. I want to spend time with them and pour in to them. I would do anything for that person, go out of my way for them and be there for them in a heart-beat.

Most mornings when I get up, I am pretty much worthless. I have hit the snooze button 3 times and then I have to jump out of bed and scoop my 1st grader up and out of his toasty warm bed while singing our morning song so that he doesn't immediately start screaming at me. My intention for the year was gong to be waking him earlier and having a little quiet time with him on the porch before we ventured out to the bus stop. Yeah... we were able to do that maybe two mornings the first week of school, and then sleeping 20 extra minutes became more important. Bummer. At least we get prayer and (sometimes) devotions in at night.

I am trying to figure out where I can make time for my quiet times with God. Just like I need to make time to spend quality time with my husband, and my boys, my mom and my friends, I need to make time to get quality time with God.

I felt guilty as our conversation at house church made me really think about my lack of quality time with God. I felt bad that I don't get up the first time my alarm goes off. I felt bad that I stay up late on pintrest but not in prayer.

Guilt isn't from God though. He has no intentions for us to suffer from guilt. But conviction is from the Lord: that feeling in your gut that challenges you to make a change.

I'm looking at this all and I am looking at it from the same perception that I see my marriage.

In the early morning is not when I would be able to turn to Matt and say "hey babe, let's talk about my day and my love for you and my worries and my thoughts and my heart posture towards so-and-so and yadda yadda yadda..." I would be too tired, I wouldn't want to listen to him about his thoughts either; my brain would not be functioning. But when I do wake up when his alarm goes off, I tell him I love him and to have a great day, and then I roll over and fall back asleep.

In the same way I think I can manage to wake up, greet God, tell him I love him and invite him to be near me through out the day.

Later on in the morning I usually get a sweet text from Matt or send Matt a text telling him I love him. Later on in the afternoon or around lunch if something difficult or funny or significant has happened, we usually call each other and give updates.

In the same way through out my day I do pray. I do talk to God. I thank him when something is sweet and joyful. I talk to him when something is bothering me, or when I am hurting.

In the evenings after the kids go to sleep or right before we turn out our light, Matt and I get some time to just be together. Sometimes we watch a movie or even go on a date! We try to get quality time together each day, but it doesn't always happen, and it never looks the same.

In the same way, I need to be getting intentional time with God. Where I am not distracted, and I get to focus. This doesn't happen for me every day. Or sometimes it happens when I am in the car and all the kids have fallen asleep and I have 15 minutes of uninterrupted peace. Or sometimes it happens during nap time as I am washing dishes and listening to my favorite music.

I know God loves me and understands my life. I know he enjoys the time I get to have with him. I know that he forgives me when I spend my time poorly some days. I know that he yearns to be near me and he waits for me to ask him to be a part of my day. I know that he wants to strengthen me to get through my hardest days, and I know he is generous with the peace he pours over me when I ask for it. His comfort is abundant. His understanding and love never end.

And yet it is still hard to find the time.

I'm just processing here.

I have some work to do in this area.

Do you have quiet times? What do they look like? Does it happen often enough or is this a challenge you would like to take on too?

This afternoon I am going to the funeral of my dear friend's little 22 month old Zachary Michael Cooper. He died in his sleep Thursday afternoon and my heart has been aching for the last few days. Please be in prayer for the Cooper family.

Hope you all are having a lovely Tuesday. It is rainy and dreary here in good ol' Minnesota.
The day of my dad's funeral was similar. Sometimes I feel like it's God's way of showing us that he is grieving right along side us, that he aches for our loss and weeps with us too.

when you and your husband are awesome room mates

It's about to get real REAL up in here.
I'm transparent... most of the time...

You know that feeling when you look at your life and realize that you and your husband are SUPER awesome room mates? No? Then skip out on reading the rest 'cause yeah me neither.....

I hate that. I hate when it comes to that. And I hate how much intentional love, work and time it takes to dig ourselves out of that rut each time.

I have been so good at keeping the house picked up. Having dinners planned (for the most part). Making appointments. Organizing the porch. Doing dishes. Keeping kids happy and entertained all day-every day and helping Max with homework. I even make our bed, like, twice a week.

Matt has been so good at keeping up with laundry and putting dishes away. He releases me on my Funday Mondays and Zumba nights . He gets the recycling and garbage can out every Wednesday night. Every morning he makes me coffee and takes the trash out. And on top of working 40 hours a week, he has been picking up extra hours helping friends out with house projects.

We are busy, but we are doing a dang good job keeping our home and family functioning.

But our marriage? That gets put on the back burner too often. It's so easy to put it aside and stay focused on the little things: all the whining and tantrums and spilled milk and piles of laundry and dinner plans and missing socks and home work and bonked heads and stressful bed time routines and dirty dishes and drawings on the walls.

This weekend flew by and I knew that I needed to talk to Matt about it, and I chose his favorite time to bring up hard stuff: at 11pm after the lights went out. I vented for five minutes all that was on my heart and mind, all that was concerning me and making me sad.

In marriage there are some things that will never change. And we just need to get over it. Me bringing up deep stuff when my man is tired and it is 11pm on a Sunday night? It is just one of those things.

He dealt with me gracefully and with lots of love.

And I feel like we are back on track today.

Earlier I said I hate how much work it takes to dig out of the sucky-marriage-rut. I think that's why we put it off, because it's just too much work, and ain't nobody got time fo' that.

But sometimes it doesn't take much work at all. Sometimes, just sometimes, all it takes is two hopeful and patient people who are willing to forgive and let it all go and start out fresh.

Because baby sometimes, love is war right?

We recently joined a little house church and were invited to join a marriage study that will take place once a month for the next 6 months or so on on Monday nights. My sweet friend even offered to do childcare for us. It starts tonight. Perfect timing.

Don't stay in the rut. Fight like hell to get out of it, or else over time it just slowly gets deeper and deeper and deeper. Keep climbing out, every single time. You will keep falling in every once in a while, but the process of getting out makes you stronger for the next time.

Fall is here. My fingers are chilly as I type.I love this weather. I hope it stays for a while.

 Hope you all had a lovely weekend. We played with friends, had a date night with friends at The Chatterbox Pub, had a rainy and chilly trip to an apple orchard, watched The Croods with our boys and then last night Matt and I finally got to watch The Great Gatsby. I love just about any Baz Luhrmann film and I fancied the Jay-Z inspired soundtrack so I really like it. 

Well that's about all. Until next time....

Hospitality RemiX

When we were searching for our house, the number one important trait was that it would be able to be a gathering place for our friends, family, and our community. We wanted a home that people would feel comfortable, where they would feel welcome. We wanted our house to feel like a place of respite. We imagined beautiful conversations taking place in our living room as coffee brewed and children happily played. We dreamed of a huge basement playroom. We wanted a great (fenced in) backyard where kids could run and play and be safe. We also imagined neighbor kids running in and out of the house. We wanted our house to be the hang out spot for our kids and their friends. We imagined meals taking place with friends and family at our big dining room table.

I imagined our house would be, oh, at LEAST 2,000 square feet. And I imagined it would be in the heart of St. Paul. Then we began the search, and guess what? The typical house in St. Paul is way less than 2,000 square feet. I began to feel discouraged when all the houses we were looking at were closer to 12 and 14 hundred square feet. All my dreams of huge Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas parties, birthday parties and craft nights soon diminished as I had to face the reality of inner-city living and the tiny houses that came along with it.

The house we fell in love with only had three bedrooms. Which was perfect for the 5 of us, but then there was no room for a craft room or a guest bedroom. Huge bummer. The basement was as old-house- basement-y as they come... AKA not a dreamy playroom. We loved it though because it had the big (inner-city "big") fenced yard, and a wide open 1st-floor plan, which is not common for the houses in our area. At only1340 sqft, we decided to take a chance on it and make it work.

So I had to change my mindset.

If people came to stay with us, no they wouldn't have their own room and guest bathroom. But they could have a comfy couch to crash on, or even a room to themselves if they didn't mind sleeping in Max's room. This last summer we were blessed with more than a few opportunities to host friends and families. We even had a family of SEVEN stay with us for a few days. We made it work, and it was wonderful!

And we don't have a gloriously huge playroom to send the rascally children to. But we do have a three season porch full of half eaten PB&J sandwiches toys, blocks and a big comfy couch. And we do have a big fenced-in yard with a swing set (it was free!), a Barbie Dream House super spy head-quarters, a mini-van cozy coupe and a tractor to ride on.

We also have many worms (who apparently love riding in trucks)
and many places to dig in our outdoor playroom.

I don't have a craft room to host a craft night, but I do have a big dining room table to spread fabric on. And hardwood floor space to be able to lay chicken wire on frames for stapling.

Our dining room can't host a huge Thanksgiving or Christmas, but it can host 12 children eating PB&Js and apple slices. And it can comfortably seat a few tired mamas as they sip coffee, nurse babies and chat while their little ones scream and fight and spill goldfish crackers all over the place quietly play. And during the more pleasant months we can host a pretty great birthday party, open house, baby shower, cocktail party, girl's night or grill-out in that back yard of ours. It lights up beautifully with lights hanging from the tree.

I love LOVE loVe having playdates at my house.

It's better feeding kids outside anyway

Grilling out was so fun this summer. Especially when uncle pete and auntie m were here.

Our cocktail party last year. 

Christmas was nice and cozy last year. I think we had a little under 20 people over.
We ate in shifts at the dining room table. We made it work, and everyone was happy.

So if you are like me, and you love opening your home to those around you, never let insecurities like oh my house is too small stop you from doing so. Change your heart, be thankful that you have a space to invite people in to. Change your mindset, your house is good enough (even if it is only big enough to invite one small family over, or even a couple of friends or neighbors).

I want to encourage you to open up your space and let people in. You can start with me and my family. Or just me. (Or just my kids? My kids would love to come and be in your space. I would love for them to come and be in your space too. Preferably on a Friday night... )

Okay, it's late. That was just on my heart and I felt like sharing. I am in a season of trying to be more joyful and thankful. That ish is hard, but I am working on it. 

Good night friends.

Speak life.

Today I had to take Max in to the doctor for the third time about a rash that he has. I had to rush around to find a babysitter for the other kids, and it was just really inconvenient for me. I was so fortunate to have a neighbor come to my rescue and keep an eye on the other kids while we were gone. I was also fortunate to be witness to something cool that I wanted to share.

We got to the doctor's office (and being that we live in the city and utilize our local clinics, grocery stores, etc.) Max and I were surrounded by all different nationalities and socioeconomic statuses. I love it. I love hearing the different languages. I love that I may not speak someone else's language but that I can still be warm and friendly by smiling. I love that Max is playing along side of a child who's parents are from the other side of the world.

There was a very young couple sitting with a little girl that was maybe a year old. My heart ached as I thought about how difficult it must be to be so young and already have a little one. Then the nurse brought out a newborn and handed him to the two young parents. She told them that the baby did very well but that now he is hungry and needs to breast feed. I am assuming the baby had just gotten circumcised.

The young little mama went back with the nurse to feed her baby and the dad and other little one stayed in the waiting room. Soon the little girl began to fuss and the father asked the security guard if he could go back to the room where the mom and baby were.

The security guard at the clinic is the sweetest man. He's an older man that is always chatting with the regulars in the waiting room. Making small talk and asking people how they are doing. He is warm and welcoming every time we walk in the front door.

Soon the young dad walked back out in to the waiting room alone and sat down. Seconds later the mom came out and said "I can't nurse the baby and watch her at the same time. I need you to help me keep her out here." She seemed frazzled, irritated and exhausted. My heart felt for her. I so know how that feels. Her boyfriend went on to get irritated with her telling her to settle down and that the little girl wants to be with her and that she doesn't need to snap, that this is why he should have just stayed home. That mama just walked her little girl up to him, handed her off and went back to finish feeding her newborn.

The security guard was standing there near the dad and the dad vented to him. Saying he can't handle much more of this and that he can't stand when she acts like this. The security guard went on to say "Yeah man, I know. I been dealing with the same woman now for over 24 years."

I caught myself feeling mad that the security guard was affirming this guy's bad attitude. But then he went on to tell this young dad, "But you know what? It's all worth it in the end." The dad said "yeah I don't know about that..." and the security guard went on to speak life in to this young lost dad. He went on to tell him that it IS all worth it in the end when the kids are there for you since you were there for them. He told him that he's just gotta hang in there. He didn't sit there and belittle him, or tell him that he was wrong to feel what he was feeling. He just affirmed him by telling him that yes it is hard, that he understood, that he had been there, and that you get through it.

The dad listened and agreed. He picked up his little girl and told the security officer to let his girlfriend know what he was walking around with the little girl in the lobby.

After the dad left I turned to that sweet older man and told him "Thank you. Thank you for speaking life in to that daddy and encouraging him." He went on to tell me that young African American dads need all the encouragement they can get. He told me that most of them don't know what they are doing since their dads left long ago. He told me about how he had to be a single dad for a few years to his SIX KIDS when his wife got depressed and hooked on drugs.

Just let that sink in.

We spend so much time judging people and assuming things about them. We think we know their story and we group them with everyone else that looks and acts like them. We just shake our heads or turn our cheek and hope for the best.

And then here is this security guard. Doing his job keeping the clinic safe. Speaking truth and life in to people who need just a kind greeting, or advice on life. Who knows if what he said changed the course of that young man's outlook on life and parenthood? Or if it even made a difference at all? It doesn't matter.

He is going above and beyond the position and job he has been entrusted with. And I am sure he is making a difference in this world one conversation at a time.

Today he is my hero. I hope I can be more like him.
Our words are so powerful. Speak life. Speak truth. Speak understanding.
We all have such amazing life stories that give us credit when circumstances arise that we can attest to.

source

Good moms have sticky floors...

Last week I went to Gordman's and found a candle on sale for only $4. I have another one just like it that also has a funny saying on it ("Excuse the mess, my children are busy making memories" or something like that...) and I love it because it's like a $25 candle that lasts forever. It also smells really good and so I was glad to find another one. 

"Good moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens and happy kids"

The aroma is not only pleasant  but it also affirms me as a mom of three young boys in this season of life...

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

Exhibit D.

And to that I say:

nailed it!

(I also know really GOOD MOMS 

who have sparkly clean stove tops,

hardwood floors you can see your reflection in

and SUPER happy kiddos.) 

For this mom that is embarrassed at times by 

the floors and

annoyed by the stove top, this message

makes my day. It's my message of grace.

Now I should probably go clean the top of my stove. Luckily Matt mopped this weekend;)

On another note, My birthday week is still under way. Yesterday was the official day and it was lovely. I have officially completed the first year in my 30s. Being that I am 31 now, I guess I am officially in my 30 somethings. When did I become a grown up?? I look forward to doing a post about my birthday adventures that included and will have included dressing up like I was going to prom, a 24 hour trip to Princeton, wining and dining with my LP, a kid friendly birthday complete with donuts, a family party and a cider date with my birthday buddy, etc. etc.  

A heart check and house update

Hey. How's your heart? Mine is a little sad. But a little happy too. 

This week has been a little rough. This time of the year is always hard. It's both the anniversary of my father's death and my birthday. If you are new to my blog or do not know the story of what happened to my dad, you can read the post I did a year ago here. 

He has been gone three years now.  

My heart hurts. 

When the weather begins to change as fall creeps in, I start to feel the sadness deep in my bones. Sometimes I don't even realize what it is until I glance at the calendar and notice the approaching of September 17th (the day he went in to the hospital.) Then I remember to take it easy, allow plenty of grace for myself, and just allow it to come in waves. Each year it gets easier. Time really does heal.

My heart is happy too.

I have been keeping busy doing things that I love and making my house pretty. We painted the first floor back in the spring but we never really "finished". I feel like it;s almost done. I got some frames hung up in the dining room finally, and now I just need to figure out what to put IN the frames. 

First I traced the frames and cut out pieces of paper that represented them. Then I had a friend come over, and did lots of texting with other friends for second and third opinions. Everyone agreed that this was the layout. 

Then I moved on to Max's room. I wanted to do a little gallery wall near his bed. I kept it simple. I found the lanterns at Target this summer for $3. I got the "M" at JoAnne's Fabric yesterday for $1.49 (they were on sale) and I spray painted it. I already had the black frame with my grandfather's photo in it, and I also already had the white and red frames that I bought this summer from Ikea. The green frame is from Gordman's and I got it a couple of weeks ago for only $4 (it was waaaaay on sale). Lighting wasn't the greatest when I took the pictures, but, you get the idea.

We''l probably change out the picture of Max once I get another 5x7 print. 

I'm a sucker for vintage kid's books and it was perfect when I found
this page had fallen out of one of our books. 

Max had a pretty good day at school yesterday (with minimal tears!) so he earned some Ipod time.
He really loves the new layout. (Yes my son has an Amish heater and yes that door is screwed shut so that
he can't chill out on the tiny little death-trap old deck that is on the back of our house, just FYI)

Next up was Gabriel and Eli's room. I painted their room a light gray last year, and made bright red curtains with vintage dogs on them. I hadn't really hung anything on their walls, and so I decided to go ahead and do their gallery wall too.

The "G" could stand for "grateful", "good", "gratitude", "gross", and, of course, "G-UNIT"...
But mostly it stand for "Gabriel".

This little circus mouse print I got from etsy. I love that it looks like a page from a French vintage children's book.  The E is for our little Eli, and that dangerous weapon gold cross with the praying child is an addition that I had to hang up mostly because I have tried to get rid of it a dozen times and I just can't. I feel bad throwing it in the garbage. Mostly because it's a cross, and also because it is dangerously heavy and sharp and could severely hurt the nice garbage man. My children use it as a sword whenever they find it and dig it out of the Goodwill bag. So for now, there it shall hang.

It's not quite finished yet, but we got a good start. I got the "G" and "E" at JoAnne's this last summer. I finally spray painted them. Gabe loves his big G.

This is not new, but I thought I would show this too. It's hanging above Eli's crib. Just a piece of twine, a couple of nails and some little clothe's pins. Easy. I got the prints online. They are Instagrams. 

And that's all I got.

I'm looking forward to birthday celebrations beginning tomorrow night with a group of friends. Next week comes more fun outings  I'm so thankful for friends and family who embrace me and love me through this bittersweet time of the year. 

I just made a facebook page for my blog, so make sure to like it here! I will post more bloggy stuff there rather than mucking up the feeds of old high school acquaintances and people who don't care about kids and houses and pintrest projects:)

Happy Thursday y'all. 
Peace.