Mama said there'd be days like this...

My week consists of not only watching my own children, but other peoples' children too. Being a stay-at-home-mom is super hard most of the time. I laugh with my friends who have office jobs, about how I would do anything to crunch numbers or write e-mails all day.... aaaahhhh.... it sounds quiet, relaxing, quiet, boring, and quiet. My days are a whirlwind of spilled milk, scattered goldfish crackers, my two-year-old boy that changes his clothing ten time before noon and already says "WOW mom", my one-year-old who climbs on top of the dining room table and eats dirt out of my despised evergreen, a three-year-old sweet and sassy little diva that is with us Monday through Friday during the day, diapers, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, wooden blocks, baby dolls, fights, whining, owies, etc. etc. 

My mom was a stay-at-home-mom too. I don't remember the messy house and the stress of it all. I was a kid. I was home with my mom. What in the world could be better then that? I remember a couple of the projects she did with us. I remember amazing Christmas mornings. I remember being in the garden with her. I remember walks to the park and "bus adventures" where she'd take us on the city bus to go get lunch at McDonalds. I remember trips to the Children's Museum and to the beach. I don't remember her yelling, I don't remember her losing her patience. I don't remember her swearing (okay I remember a couple of times since she NEVER swore!) and most of all I don't remember us being poor. 

But my mom swears she swore sometimes, that she yelled, that she was impatient, depressed at times, and pretty miserable on some days. She tells us about how there was never enough money at Christmas and that she had to do Toys for Tots and get creative with what she could sew or create. I had no idea.

Kids are resilient. And for this I am so grateful. SO SO SO grateful. I can be a mean mom sometimes. I yell too much. I lose my patience way too easily, and I am a complete failure as a parent in many situations. I'm tired. I shout empty threats. I'm out of ideas to entertain them sometimes, and if I have to read that same book one more time I may just puke. There are days when, yes, Netflix is my saving grace. There are days when dishes don't get done and kids go to bed in whatever they wore for the day. Teeth not brushed. Bodies not bathed. 

But there are days when I am a super awesome mom. There are days when I do awesome art projects, and only let the kids watch one show. Days I take them to the museum, or to Choo Choo Bob's or to momdates playdates. Days I sing songs and read lots of books and bible stories. There are hugs and shrugs after spills and super creative lunches and snacks. Sometimes I even keep up on the dishes, keep the house picked up, and reorganize something. Some days I even wear JEANS and a cute SHIRT, mascara and some blush. 

My kiddos won't remember what I wore, but they'll remember the sweet mama smell that comforts them when they bury their snotty faces in to my chest. They won't remember if the house was a mess, but they'll remember that our house was sunny and warm. They won't remember what we ate, but they'll remember their bellies were always full and happy. They won't remember the nights I yelled too much at bedtime. They will remember the songs I sang and the little prayers we prayed every night. Most of all, they'll remember their mama was there, present, doing the best she could. 

Eli at least got a few chances to go out this winter.

The diva and her boys

best workout ever, pulling three kids in a sled.
Gabriel insisted riding his motorcycle.

When stamping paper gets boring, stamping skin is always fun.

Hang in there mama.

Stay-at-home-moms (and dads!), 

working moms (daddies too), 

all moms (and dads). 

This is a hard job we have. A huge responsibility. Thank God our kids are going to be fine as long as we are doing our best, asking for forgiveness when we fall short, and loving on them as much as possible. 

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Sierra

Just in time for Valentine's Day

This weekend we attended our second marriage conference of the month. I'm about to get real REAL with you here. I'm all about being transparent, and that means bearing my heart and soul about the real ups and downs in my life. Marriage is a huge part of my life. It's part of what truly defines me.

Fifteen years ago, as a silly love-sick 15 year-old, I knew in my heart that I was going to marry Matt... it went a little something like this.... Leah and Becky were two of my best friends: they went to my church, we were in youth group together, we spent hours and hours together. They had a hot brother. He chaperoned a youth camping trip, and that weekend I swore to his sisters (cross my heart hope to die) that we would be sisters-in-law one day.

Long long LOOOONG story short, I got my dream man. Well, he wasn't my big dark Native American dream man, but he was next best even better. He loved Jesus, he loved me, and I thought it would be butterflies and flowery fields happily-ever-after from there.

Oh boy, was I wrong.

Our first four years were pretty rough. I look back and can't believe we made it through. Our testimony is a lengthy yet important story to tell. Someday maybe I'll type it out, or maybe someday I'll get the honor of sharing it with you, but for now, I'll leave it at that. God is good, his grace is sufficient, and he never allowed us to encounter anything greater than what we were capable of dealing with. 

Year five and six were marital bliss. Year seven until now have been...well, exhausting, wonderful, chaotic and quite beautiful. We had three boys somewhere there in the last six years. And somewhere in the last 2 and a half years, our marriage went from highest priority (after God of course) to being somewhere on the list under kids, financial stress, house, work, etc. etc. Why is it so easy to put so much before your relationship with your spouse? I'll tell you why. Because maintaining a marriage is hard work. 

Making your husband happy? Hard work. 

Meeting the needs of a grown man? Hard work.

Explaining your feelings to an equally exhausted partner? Hard work.

Making a two-year-old happy? Water colors, a paint brush, paper and a little jar of water. Easy. 

Meeting the needs of a one-year-old? Goldfish crackers. Kiss, nap. Easy. 

Explaining your feelings to a five-year-old? "I'm the boss, that's why." Easy.

We learned so much last weekend and this weekend. The most rewarding thing, was hearing my husband say that he is excited to take what we have learned and apply it to our marriage and our family life.

This stuff is applicable whether you're the Jesus following type or not. Bear with me here. Keep an open mind. What I'm about to share with you may really challenge you, and encourage you to make this marriage thing actually be enjoyable!

Here are some of the notes I came home with. I know these do not apply to everyone, but it's what Matt and I came away with that we plan to study and focus on in our relationship. I call this:

sUper ImpORTant MarrAiGe StUff

notes by Sierra Lorraine Hegstrom

Women, we need to show appreciation for our husbands, and not expect anything in return. We need to give them thanks for all that they do for us. We need to honor them, respect their willingness and to value their opinions. We need to encourage them, support their dreams, and release them to be all that they are called to be. We need to be submissive WHICH MEANS that we come under them to life them up and support them. We need to be passionate for them, and to respond to their needs. 

Men, you need to be gentle with us, and we need to feel treasured  We need you to be emotionally transparent. We need you to communicate with words. Conflict is an opportunity for closeness. We need to be nurtured. You will reap what you sew in to us. We need to feel secure in your love, we need to feel that you are committed fully to us.

The Covenant that we made on our marriage day should reflect what God's intentions are for marriage. It's more than a promise. It's unconditional, selfless commitment to seek the well-being of the other person.

Communication is not just what you say, it's how you say it. It's about hearing and being heard.

On conflict resolution: Keep short accounts and offer forgiveness. Don't forgive too quickly, make sure you are in a place of true forgiveness so that you are not quick to be offended over it again. Take responsibility for your words and actions. Be repentant. Brainstorm together to find a solution.

Sex: Emotionally connects us. Reaffirms our identity. Brings unity. Never should be used as a weapon.

We need to return to our first love. (Revelations 2:4-5)

Marriage should be a place of rest and refuge. (Hebrews 4:9-11) 

"You should work hard on your marriage, but marriage should not be hard work"

Release. Figure out what patterns of attitudes and behaviors need to be broken in your life and relationship. (Isaiah 10:27)

Restoration. Isaiah 61:4-7. Figure out what needs to be rebuilt/restored/renewed/reinvested in our life.

[I loved this last point.]

Rejoice. Proverbs 5: 18 and 19 says May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

¹⁹

One more thing I wanted to share, was 10 guidelines that were given to us to encourage a happy marriage by Mildred Tengbom. So take note:

1. Be reasonable and realistic in your expectations of marraige and your mate.

2. Accept your mate as a person rather than assigning stereotypes, characteristics and roles.

3. Husbands and Wives need to be good forgivers.

4. Happy marriages require time and effort.

5. As you talk, make a conscious effort to understand each other.

6. After you begin to understand what is important to your mate, try to find ways of helping them.

7. Have a happy sex life.

8. Recognize that adverse situations sometimes have caused problems and stop blaming each other or yourself.

9. Find substitute extended families who can help and encourage you.

10. Set family goals.

As the retreat came to a close, we were instructed to pray with the other couples at our tables and then prayer was offered by the pastors and facilitators of the retreat. Well five minutes before we left, Matt hurt my feelings. We drove all the way home with out talking. I thought "REALLY?! THIS WONDERFUL WEEKEND, AND NOE WE ARE ALREADY FIGHTING???!!!" I was so upset. We got home, thanked mom and Brian for watching the kiddos, and then we remained silent. I told him I was still hurt. Before, we would've just stayed mad,  and let it blow over (or under the rug only to come bursting out again soon), but instead we talked it through. We com-mun-icated.... whoa! We both explained how we felt, how we interpreted what had happened. We processed. We were silent. Then Matt apologized, we hugged, and we moved forward. Whoa. Easy. Done. 

Over these past two weekends we have really recommitted our devotion to each other and our marriage. We want to display a healthy and loving relationship in front of our boys. We want to put our marriage before kids and everything else. If our foundation is healthy and strong, we can get through anything. I'm looking forward to doing this right. 

I want to encourage you to reflect on what you can do to enjoy marriage to it's fullest. What is your motivation? Why is this important? Do you believe marriage should come first before kids and every thing else? 

Trying to be a loving doe and graceful deer,

Sierra :)

I was THAT mom.

Man, this last week has been rough. It's interesting because I feel like I have been reading a lot of blogs lately  of mom's that are learning to be real and transparent in their writing. I feel like I keep it real here. And I am going to continue to keep it real here when I tell you that this has been the worst week in a long time.

Matt and I are not BFFs this week. And so that makes everything worse. Marriage is hard. I know I say this often. It's hard but it's worth it. Luckily we have two marriage retreats in February. So by Valentine's Day we will be pros at this marriage stuff.....

Kids have been hard this week.
I endured the WORST story time hour EVER on Friday. I had Gabriel (my 2 year old), and two little girls I was watching (ages 3 and 1). We got there and I reminded them that there needed to be good behavior and good listening ears. Yeah, they forgot all that the moment our neighbor (the story teller) began her reading. Folks, I was THAT mom at story time. The one who's kids were out of control, standing in front of the book so no one could see, crying because they wanted the "E" carpet square and not the "W" one, elbowing some poor innocent boy because he was reaching for the alphabet stamp that they wanted (said boy was SCREAMING and everyone stared at me, the bad mom).... I wanted to lose it. I was so embarrassed. And of course I was wearing the worst jeans for this all to happen. You know those jeans, the favorite ones that are comfy and make you feel kinda skinny because they are kinda loose... yeah, the ones that you need to keep PULLING UP so that your underwear aren't displayed (why are these my favorite jeans again??) I rounded my kids up as soon as the last story was over and we bolted. I made eye contact with no one. I was that mom. The one with saggy jeans (underwear band showing), screaming kids, and the most frustrated face on ever. Racing through a quiet library. We got home and all kids went right down for naps. I was ready for the day to be over before it was even lunch time.

Luckily that night Matt let me leave after I put Eli down and I went to Hil's for knitting by the fire place. It was so nice and relaxing. Of course I instagramed that. I only instagram cute nice things.

Then this morning, I needed to run some errands, so I brought little Gabriel with. We got gas, stopped at the bank, and then I decided to run in to Micheal's to buy some new yarn. We were in there for FIVE MINUTES, and again. You guessed it. I was that mom again. [Newly potty-trained] Gabriel says "mom, I need to go peeeee....." as he stands up in the cart and his pants slowly turn from khaki color to deep brown. "Gabe, Please, No, just a minute as I race to the front of the store. Pee. All over. Luckily they were fleece lined pants that soaked most of it up. What was I supposed to do? Scream "CLEAN UP IN THE YARN AISLE!!"??? Probably. But I didn't. I scooped up my SCREAMING 2 year old (he was mad that I didn't let him keep the little toy he was looking at from the shelf) and again, bolted for the door. Frustrated, embarrassed mom. All eyes on me. Key is to give no eye contact as you are exiting the store.

These are just a few of the difficult experiences I had this week. Ay carumba right?

Yet some how, I'm holding it together. The good thing is, is that I am hopeful. I know that this week will pass, I will probably forget most of it someday, and tomorrow is a new day. Another good thing is that I have encouraging friends and family around me that support me. They let me vent, they let me say the hard stuff, they let me pour out my raw, fleshy emotions and they do not judge me or worry about me. They lift me up with truth and wisdom.

The best thing? I know God's got my back, and I know that he will never give me more than I can handle. In processing with fellow wives/moms, I was reminded that I am equipped to deal with all of the hard stuff that comes at me. God knew the kind of person I was before he gave me THREE boys and this husband. For some reason he decided I was the one for this job. I was chosen for this life. I don't know how most of the time, but I am going to get through the hard stuff that comes my way. These types of hardships make us stronger. They give us stories and experiences  that help others.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, 

we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom we have gained access by faith 

into this grace in which we now stand. 

And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  

And hope does not put us to shame, 

because God’s love has been poured out

 into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, 

who has been given to us. 

Romans 5:1-5

If you pray, can you pray for me? I need prayer for peace. I need a lot of peace. And patience too. And I need next week to be a better week. Especially because Max has Monday and Tuesday off from school!
Thanks for reading, thanks for [hopefully] not judging me.

We gotta remember we are not alone in this. Give yourself some credit. 

Peace be with you,

Sierra

Sunday Morning Revelations

Sunday Morning Perfection

This morning, We woke up and decided we should all go out for family breakfast at one of our FAVORITE breakfast restaurants, Louisiana Cafe over off of Dale and Selby here in St. Paul.

Usually, we NEVER go out as a family of five because:

a.) It is expensive.

2.) Our kids end up getting board as we wait and then they make us mad and then when we finally get our food, we are ticked and just rush through eating.

h.) Because going out to eat without kids is way more fun. 

But today, for some reason we thought it would be a good idea. We all got dressed and out the door in an orderly fashion even. Whoa. 

If you think that this post is going to be about how to do a successful family trip out to eat, you are wrong. Don't worry. Although our experience was pretty great, and with minimal melt downs, I learned that sometimes it just works. And when it does, just work, for whatever reason, it reminds me that things are going to be okay in the long run. 

Lately our kids have been driving us completely bonkers. But these little moments, when all three boys are nice and happy and well-behaved, are the moments we will remember most. At least that's what all the seasoned moms tell me when I tell them that I will not survive through these early years and that I can't wait 'til I am 60. 

Yes, my son uses a fork and knife while eating. So proper.

Gabe decided he needed to wear his plastic Handy Manny visor.
It was totally appropriate for our fancy breakfast.

Matt wondering why I have to play photo journalist at every outing. 

We trashed the place. And I didn't have to clean up. 'Twas wonderful

After our breakfast, we went to church. Worship was great. My boys danced and waved little flags and streamers. Our church is down with the kids flag waving and streamer dancing. I had nursery duty, so I missed out on the sermon. Today was "theme Sunday" where our pastor reveals what the prophetic theme for our church body is. Last year was "2012:The Year to Dream" So we all were encouraged to follow the dreams that God has put in our hearts. Our dream was to have a house in a great neighborhood, that was big enough to host Christmas. If you have read my blog over the last year, you will see that God totally made all that happen. 

This year is 2013: The Year to Engage. I'll need to listen to the sermon podcast as soon as it is loaded on to iTunes. It's so cool, this theme, because last week Matt had mentioned to me a teaching he had heard that really challenged him. It was about how we all want to change the world, which is impossible, because the world is HUGE. But that we are able to change one person's world, by investing in them and doing to them what we would do to  everyone if we were able. Engage. Engage in people's lives, in their troubles and in their joys. Reach out and be present. 

Matt and I are praying in to who the people are that we are supposed to take on. What about you? Can you try to be the change that just one person needs in order for their world to change, even in just small ways? 

I'm going to go change my 5 year old's world right now, by dipping in to a mint chocolate chip Haagen Dazs pint. While the other littles are napping, Max and I will have a little Sunday afternoon home-date. 

Peace out y'all.

Christmas 2012 and New Years'

This year we had so much to celebrate. And so many opportunities to celebrate! I didn't take nearly as many pictures as I should have. So this will be an Instagram photo collage. Usually I get super creative and make gifts, this year I did a little bit. I just didn't have a lot of time/money. I painted mugs, made a few dolls, and that was it. 

mugs for a few family members

this is what my kids do while i try to be creative and make gifts... dangit.

i tried to wrap them all fancy and cute. and it worked, they looked
super fancy and cute.

                                       

howard christmas

We got to go to a Christmas party at the Howard's house in south Minneapolis. They just bouhgt a huge Victorian mansion and it was decorated so beautifully with trees and lights and a Christmas tree as tall as my house! They provided childcare so that grown-ups could enjoy the party kid-free as the little ones watched a movie, did crafts and ate upstairs. It was amazing. I wore a great dress, a beautiful necklace, some super hot high heels and I just felt pretty. Matt wore his suspenders and a tie. But did we remember to take a picture? Nope. Ugh. We never remember to. But me and the boys took a picture when we got home. 

I still felt pretty, even taking a picture with some dirty boys and a red balloon.

hegstrom christmas

We spent Christmas Eve with Matt's family. It was so fun. We spent the afternoon decorating cookies, the boy played video games, and we wooed over baby Micah. We had a simple meal of sandwiches, chili, and Warren's famous clam chowder. 

My sweet sisters-in-law and my lovely mother-in-law

I got so blessed marrying in to the Hegstrom family. When I was 15 years old I told Leah and Becky that we would be SIL's someday, and six years later, it happened. These girls were some of my best friends growing up, so we have been tight from the beginning. I have the best mother-in-law. Seriously. (And I am not just saying that in fear that she may read this. I know she never will read it because I don't even think she knows what a blog is. She barely can dial a cell phone :)

The Hegstrom-Young-Rain family

This picture was our funny SERIOUS picture. Gabriel was driving me nuts, so I decided to do the cute hang-your-kid-up side down-pose. Look at all those grandsons we blessed Warren and Sue with. There are five pictured, and two more (and ONE girl) not pictured. Those Hegstrom men sure have full quivers. We were so happy to spend the evening with Jason who was home from a cooking program he is doing in Missouri. And it was great to celebrate in Leah and Joe's beautiful new house!

Uncle Jay got Gabriel some spy gear

christmas morning

Christmas day the boys woke up to an egg bake done by daddy, a few sweet little presents (including legos for Max, spy kits and "worker guy" vests, a wooden truck for Eli and cooking stuff for Gabe. Christmas was modest this year. We didn't have a lot of money to spend on gifts, but what we got was very intentional and things that the boys actually had specific interest in. We are so glad that our boys felt loved that morning.

Mmmmmm egg bake...

Matt and I didn't get gifts for each other. We said we'd get gifts at tax return time... which I was totally fine with. But Matt did sneak some Ikea chocolate and the movie Harry and the Henderson's in to my stocking. So romantic right? :) I started to feel bad that Matt didn't really get to open any gifts. He LOVES presents. The night before Matt's mom and dad blessed us with two generous gift cards, but I think he was wishing for more tear-off-the-wrapping-paper kinds of gifts. Oh well, tax season is right around the corner right? Matt had to go out and do a little bit of plowing, so me and the boys ate more egg bake and watched Harry and the Henderson's.

christmas night at my house

whoa. tons. and tons of gifts.

we ate mom's beef stew and soda bread

It was wonderful. We ate, we opened a ton of gifts, and we got to spend the evening snuggled close (since my house is not huge and there were 20 people!) Matt and I were TOTALLY blessed. Matt got to tear open carefully open lots of presents. Including a Magic Bullet Delux (fancy right?), a tough guy Arctic Cat sweatshirt, and.... ready for this? A freakin' XBOX 360 complete with kinect. Our kids got more legos and cooking stuff, and wooden blocks. It was a great night. 

We also were blessed with a family night at Mall of America gift. Complete with ride passes and dinner. We went this last Sunday night, the kids were excited beyond belief. 

new years'

I watch a sweet little girl during the week, and her mom decided that she wanted to bless us AGAIN (after the MOA gift) by watching our kiddos so that we could go out for New Years'! So Matt and I got to go to dinner, and then we got to go and hang with our friends.

potstickers at Big Bowl

kitchen floor confessions with Waty and Rachel

after an intense game of catch phrase and battle of the sexes, we all remain friends

i gave watson a quick stroke of midnight updo

Needless to say, our holidays were wonderful and we were blessed more than we ever could have expected. We are so grateful for a Living God that is worthy of celebration.

Connecticut

I'm going to try and make as much sense as possible here right now.

 My heart is heavy and my mind is swirling with a lot of thoughts. 

And to top it off, as if I needed one more distraction,

my husband is sitting next to me watching Men in Black III, with the volume up way to high.

So here I go...

Today I was at the Children's Museum with Maximo, Gabriel, Eli, and the little girl that I care for each day, Tya. It took a lot of courage to bring four kids, all by myself. My father-in-law was supposed to come with, but he had to cancel. I had already told the kids the day before that we were going, and had used the "if you don't [fill in the blank] then we are NOT going to the museum tomorrow!" too many times. So I felt obligated to get those excited children to the stinkin' museum.

I was still mad today, about something DUMB from the night before, and had to vent to my BFFE about it. So I texted her to call me asap. She called me and I told her all the DUMB things I was still mad about. And she says "oh. This is why you are calling me? I thought you were calling me about what happened in Connecticut." What happened in Connecticut?!  "The mass shooting." Again, the what?! She goes on to explain in little detail about what had happened. My silly anger from the day before quickly dissipated as my world felt like is was at a surreal stand-still. I glanced at my four sweet children and I saw them in a different light.

My job as a parent is to protect my kids, and I take that so seriously. But it is not all up to me. It is not only up to me (and Matt, too, of course) to protect our three boys. We are not in this alone. God's got us covered. And that is such a relief. I trust God's ways are higher than mine. And I believe that in the moments that I am not with my boys, that God is there with them.

All of these shootings are filling people with so much anger and fear. I get it. I totally get it. Unfortunately we live in a messed up world that is filled with awful, evil people and horrific tragedies that take place daily. But during these times, I don't need to figure out all the why's and  what-if's. I need to not try and find the answers on my own. I need to not be fearful, and I need to not allow my head to be filled with the multiple scenarios that could some day touch my babies. Right now I need to turn to my Almighty God for peace and  hope. I need to raise my babes the best I know how, teach them to make good choices, discipline in a way that is aligned with the desires of God's heart, and stand firm in the belief that I am not in this alone. My children's well-being is not up to me. And that is a good thing, because I am completely incapable of doing this parenting thing perfectly.

My heart goes out to the families that have been affected by what has happened today. I am praying for those in Connecticut. I am loving on my boys. I am thanking God that they are all under our roof tonight: healthy, happy, resting in warm beds, and untouched by the ugliness that lingers in the world right outside of our doors.

  “For He has said, 

“I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” 

So that we may boldly say, 

“The Lord is my Helper,” 

and I will not fear what man shall do to me.”

Hebrew 13:5b,6

...that it only hurts as much as it has to...

When I was days away from having Max (one of the most amazing, and also one of the most terrifying, experiences of my life) a friend of mine told me "I will pray that it only hurts as much as it has to." I remember  walking away from him thinking, "wow, that is really wise..." And as I was going through the traumatic experience that brought my amazing boy in to the world, I remember thinking, "wow. this really, really hurts. How am I not DYING RIGHT NOW!?!?!?!" My labor exceeded 26 hours, and after a failed epidural and the inability to dilate 2 more centimeters, I was rushed in to a c-section. Don't worry, This post is not all about failed birth plans and c-section controversies. Whatever. I'm over all that now. This post is about that simple blessing. That is only hurts as much as it has to.

Since then, I have prayed that over many mamas that I love in the moments that they are having babies. And I have encouraged moms by telling them that little piece of wisdom when they ask what labor is like and how much it hurts. Until now, I've only used those wise words in the context of births. But starting now, I am using it to get me through this season I am walking through right now.

This is a hard season. It's a season I feel kind of alone in, because not a lot of people no one can relate. No one has walked through this, under the same circumstances as me. Sierra.

Christmas is supposed to be happy and cheery. It's supposed to be filled with new memories and old traditions. It's supposed to be beautiful and memorable. Especially in our case since it's the first Christmas in our new house! And we have three excited boys that melt with pure joy the minute we just even turn on the Christmas lights. Holy cow. And they look at each and every ornament as if it is the most amazing treasure to be found on this earth. Then they use them to shoot at each other. Or as balls to be thrown.

When we all moved from our big multi-family house (where we lived with my parents from right before Max was born to December 6th the year after dad died) we inherited most of the Christmas ornaments. There are ornaments in there that are as old as I am. Each and every one tells a story and has history. I'm not even super sentimental (at least I don't think I am...) As Matt unpacked the little ornaments and the kids started hanging them on the tree, this great sadness came over me. As I saw the names and dates written on the backs of some of them, I just started to ache. Wow, I remember what had happened that year, and how that sibling was impacted, and how they must have felt at that Christmas. I remember how I loved the doll one, or how mom always told that story about that one, or how we got dad the stupid chef dog one. Or the meaning behind the trout one. Or how creative our mom was when she sewed a bunch of cute home-made birds and little ladies...

And now life looks different. Dad is gone. Gil is in Chicago. I have my own family now. Mom has a new husband. And it hurts. A lot. I ache for the good ol' days. But I am so grateful for what these days right now hold. It's a crazy mix of emotions. We are trying to find the new "norm" and we're seeking out new traditions, and a new way of doing things. Change is good, but it's never easy, right? As my mom and I were processing through how this all has such a different impact on each of us experiencing it, I really felt like the Lord brought that idea back to me. That it only hurts as much as it has to.

It's going to hurt, because we are still dealing with loss and grief. But I can choose to allow God to strengthen me and comfort me through it. I can choose to not let my emotions run wild. I can choose to only let it hurt as much as it has too, and not any more than that.

So, today is a new day. Yesterday was hard, but His grace is sufficient. One day at a time. I want to enjoy these days with my family, and not suffer through them....and not feel guilty that I don't have a super happy smile the whole time, or a beautiful advent calendar, and an elf on a shelf, and a million gifts for my kids and a perfect Christmas tree and all the pintrest yadda yadda yadda like the perfect moms... :)

If you are one of those perfect moms, not judging you, just kinda jealous. just kinda.

I have high hopes that this Christmas is going to turn out just fine. My kids are going to be happy no matter what. And that is all that matters.

Christmas morning last year. Can't wait to post pics this year in our new house!