hey babe... i like you.

This past week, my husband and I have been making huge efforts to enjoy each other more. 

We had a hard few months. You know how it goes, when your husband starts feeling like more of a house-mate than a soul-mate. Life is hard on a marriage. Kids are hard on a marriage. Add a mortgage, medical bills, house projects, kids that leave a trail of crumbs and toys, meal times, errands, lack of sleep, emotional stress, bath times, bedtime routines, the need for space and the need for intimacy, and you got a whole lot of obstacles when it comes to enjoying your marriage and actually liking your spouse. 

A few years ago Matt was leaving with his friend and as I was saying good-bye to them I told Matt, "I like you babe."  His friend said "wow, I have never heard a couple say that instead of 'I love you.' It's important to tell your spouse you like them, I know when I was married, we said "I love you" only because we had to love each other. But I know my wife didn't actually like me." I never forgot that he told us that story. And ever since I have made an effort to tell my husband, "hey babe... I like you." (along with the numerous I love yous too.) I have to love him, and I choose to like him. 

The last few months I didn't really like my husband that much though. GASP!?!??! WHAT!!??!? Yep, there. I said it. I loved him, I do love him. I always will, but it's hard to like your husband all the time. I was allowing myself to get offended, hold resentment, and be mad. 

This last week I have been choosing to like him, even when I feel my fleshy negative attitude rising up. And he is doing the same. I see when he is frustrated with me, and I see him working hard to deal with me in a loving and gentle way. He even called me out a few times this week when I was being difficult, and since he was just honest and gentle, I took it and didn't get all defensive and hurt. We are being intentional in how we are communicating, and man it makes a huge difference. We are liking each other. A lot. 

I have the YouVersion bible app on my iPhone, and I have been making more attempts to follow along with some of the bible studies that they have, especially because they are short and easy to do right when I wake up. There was one that was a seven day study called Healthy Conflict in Marriage. Matt and I read through this together and laughed at how RIGHT ON these were for us. The two that stuck out to us the most I will share here:

DON’T PLAY FAIR

Do you remember your parents telling you to “play fair”? That’s certainly a good moral to live by in sports or board games. But playing fair is also one of the quickest ways to ruin a marriage.

Good for good; bad for bad. That’s the driving force behind playing fair. It’s a philosophy that says, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right. But if you cross me, I’ll hurt you right back.” In a conflict, it means a couple gives each other what they deserve, and that’s exactly the problem.

Playing fair works as long as we give good things to our spouse in return for their positive behavior. But what happens when respect breaks down and one spouse snaps in anger at the other? Often times, the spouse who gets yelled at responds by screaming right back. And just like that, the relationship takes a hit because one spouse has given the other what they deserved. Unfortunately, many marriages operate on this premise, and it’s a significant reason why they fail.

Relationships thrive when we put aside what someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. When our spouse fails us, they need us to rise above the offense and help them be better, not simply get even with them. It’s an expression of God’s grace and an opportunity to meet your spouse’s mistakes with a response that heals. And it’ll enable your relationship to grow more safe and loving, rather than causing it to deteriorate further.

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CONTROL IN MARRIAGE

Here’s a riddle: Everybody wants it. But if you use it in your marriage, you could lose everything. What is it?

The answer is control. Whether it’s the right sweetener for our coffee or keeping our home at a certain temperature, we all want our life to function in a way that suits us. And what do we do when something doesn’t work the way we like? We try to control it, of course.

Unfortunately, many people employ a similar strategy in their marriage.

Controlling behavior can often occur because one spouse doesn’t feel loved and validated by the other. So they try to control their spouse’s actions to insure they get the relationship they want. But taking charge over a spouse doesn’t foster connection and love. Instead, it destroys it because control erodes partnership and oneness, the very foundation God designed into the marital relationship.

Here is the hard truth: If you control your spouse, you’re in danger of losing your marriage. In many cases, a spouse who feels controlled will try to escape. That may be through an affair, a divorce, or, at the very least, the spouse may spend all of their time with friends or in another part of the house.

The solution is to give up the role of “boss” and to begin cultivating a relationship of warmth and openness. It may take the help of a counselor, but when a couple learns healthy ways to connect and become complimentary in the way God intended, a strong marriage is just over the horizon.

For a daily dose of encouragement and perspective, check out Jim Daly’s blog, Daly Focus, at JimDalyBlog.com.

I'll leave you with this: Sometimes when marriage feels hard and strained, it's easy to put all the blame on your spouse. But guess what, there is always a percentage that is our responsibility. Sometimes it's only 1%, but I am thinking it's usually closer to 50 at least:) I want to encourage you, if marriage feels hard, take a step back, take responsibility for what is your part, and change it. Seek encouragement from friends that are wise and who love you. Seek out what God has for you to learn from this, and where the opportunity is to grow. 

One day this week, as the children were playing nicely out in the back yard, we had 15 minutes to ourselves.
We drank coffee, and read encouraging stuff that was going to help us get through the day.
These moments are scarce when there are kids around, but it's these short moments that get us through the bigger and harder things.

Hope you all have a great week. Matthew is going up to the boundary waters this weekend with his dad, best friend Mike, and Mike's dad. So I will be solita with my three boys! 

Peace.