Sometimes I just want to go home.

Today I miss my dad.

I wish I could pack the kids up and head over to my mom and dad's. We would get to Inver Grove Heights, and I'd greet the neighbors while Max ran over to his friends. I'd step in to the entry way, and the tiles would creak under my feet. I'd be comforted by the smell of beans in the pressure cooker and the sound of dad correcting papers or tapping on the leather stamps. The screen porch door would be open and the breeze would be sweeping through the kitchen. The door would slam shut behind me and dad would holler from his office "DON'T SLAM THE DOOR!" and I'd roll my eyes and say "settle down dad, the wind caught it before I could get to it." Then he'd say "Oh fine. Let me see your ugly baby" and he'd take Eli from me, and he'd kiss his head, and ask me why I never bathe my kids. Then he'd smile at me, and continue to kiss Eli's furry little head over and over.  I'd hear the clicking of mom's keyboard and walk in to the kitchen, where she'd be at the table on her laptop. She'd get out of her chair and come and hug me, and she'd pour me a cup of coffee. Gabriel would be in the utensil drawer and he'd be running around the house with tongs and my dad's leather tooling weapons supplies. We'd whisper about issues heavy on our hearts, and dad would holler from his office "Who's pregnant?.... What happened?.... " He always had the most amazing hearing. We would joke that he could hear any conversation in the house from his office. The sound of kids screaming and laughing outside would assure me that Max was fine, and I'd just rest on the couch while my babies played near us.

I just have to remember this.

Some days I would do anything to go back to those days. I would do anything to have these days look like those days. But I know that God knows better. That he knew what these days would look like. That he knew there would be dark days and really sweet days to come too. And He is here to get me through. 

That life was good. This new life is good too. I am working really hard to TRUST that this is where I am supposed to be. This is where we are supposed to be, In God's will for our lives. The past has made us stronger, and has prepared us for what is to come. I trust God knows what's best for us, and will continue to lead us and guide us through what this life has in store for us. 

Guns, media influence and raising boys

Heavy heart today as I think about the shooting at the theater in Colorado. Everyone who is involved. Victims. Parents of the victims. The shooter. Parents of the shooter. I think about what happened. Why did this young man, who is just older than David and just younger than Sam, choose to do such a horrible thing? What was his life like? What was his childhood like? What were his parents like? Why was he so angry? Is he remorseful? Is he mentally ill? What was going through his mind? Did he grow up watching violent movies and is this because his mama let him play with guns growing up? 


I let my sons play with guns. We have rules about not shooting babies or moms or innocent bystanders who are not playing the shooting game at the time. Max loves to play cowboys. So does that mean my kid is going to grow up and shoot in to a crowd of innocent people? (I know the answer to this is no... but still) After I heard about the tradgedy this morning, I rounded up the orange cowboy pistols and put them away for the time being. 




Having sons, I think about how important it is to me to raise them in a healthy and loving home, where Christ is the center, and where we are careful of what kinds of media influences are around them. We do not allow Max, who is still four, to see a lot of what most boys his age are watching. We are sensitive to violence, sorcery, and rebellion in movies for our son. Now there are some exceptions, like Astro Boy (a movie about a robot boy who ends up having to fight other robots) and a show on Netflix called Eon Boy, which is a copy-cat idea of Astro Boy, and sometimes Iron Giant, but it is limited. These movies are involving robots, so the violence is not between people. But we are so careful. When Max's behavior begins to change as a result of the shows, we end it and put them away for a while. I know we aren't going to be able to shelter him from the typical boy interests forever, but as long as we can, we will.




My job as a parent is to teach Max (and the other boys too) right from wrong and how to be a loving and compassionate person. To be respectful, considerate, kind and helpful. As hard as we as parents try to raise good children though, our children have free will. They will be making their own choices when we are not around. Kids who grow up in great homes can still grow up to make bad choices, and kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes are still able to grow up to  make great choices. 


Today I am praying that I am raising my kids in a way that will prepare them for what lies ahead in life, and that they will be amazing, responsible, loving men who know how to handle their emotions and feelings, and who are able to turn to God, their family and their community of loving friends, when life gets hard.

My sporty boy, who loves justice, is a protector, loves his mama, Jesus and  clothes.

My sensitive and nurturing future chef who loves animals and bugs,
who says "sorry" with ease but will fight for what he wants with arms a'swingin. 

My happy and bashful boy who loves people and loves to smile.
Wants to be a big boy already, is vocal and needs to be acknowledged, won't
be the forgotten third child! 

honey it's hot outside...

It's 90 degrees out right now. It's listed as feeling like 96. Dew point is at 70 degrees (anything over 55 is pretty much unbearable). Gabriel, Eli and Tya are all napping in air conditioned rooms, and Max and I are sitting perfectly still in the living room in front of our media of choice. Mine is blogger.com, his is Sponge Bob. 


This summer so far has been good. I feel like the depression I was battling lifted once I got home from California. California was a lot of work, but it was fun, and so worth it. I got a cute hair cut and got lots of bonding time with my aunt and uncle. I watched my little boy chase waves. It was pretty close to heavenly. I got to spend time with my brother and even with my dear friend Emily. I got to see mountains, which is so therapeutic to me, probably because I am named after them and feel empowered and encouraged when I see them. 

 I have been doing really well with the extra kids I am watching, and I have even been able to keep them creatively entertained with outside play and art projects. My stress level has been really low, and I am managing the extra little ones well. I am making a constant conscious effort to be serving these kids out of love, not just tolerating them because I am getting paid to do so. I have let the kids paint, use pastels, mod podge, etc. I'm even having fun drawing again. We had a birthday party for Scout, and have been playing with the neighbor kids a lot too. 

maximo and gabe actually being allowed to make a mess!

mixing colors and loving the artistic freedom

i'm starting to draw again. here is my little sparrow.

We've gotten to celebrate birthdays, mother's day and our second father's day with out dad recently. I love having parties here in our home, it's what I have been looking forward to for a long time. We had a surprise 60th birthday party for Uncle Norm and David. We had some of our church family over, it was really nice to have everyone here. This weekend we are hosting a cocktail party here with our friends. Everyone will dress up and we will play games and eat and drink like fancy grown ups. I have been working on making little hanging lanterns for tea lights that I will hang in our tree. I made them out of baby food jars and wire. They are so sweet. We love opening our home up for friends and family. 

birthday blessings being prayed over  uncle norm and david

Eli is teething. He is a hot mess most of the time these days. He is pushing through his top two teeth. Slimy, slobbery, whiny, snotty, cranky boy. And he does this funny face that looks like a little baby honey badger. Scary, yet kinda sweet. Can you see the resemblance?

ew. but cute.

 And that wraps up my lengthy update. Can't wait to post pics of our party this weekend.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Life is so fragile. On so many levels.

Preethi and her family

It's such a gift... and really an absolute miracle. In the last few months I have had friends get pregnant and another dear friend miscarry. I have various friends struggling with fertility issues, and I have various friends expecting second and third babies. Yesterday my dear friend's first grand baby was born, and the same day my friend Preethi (a mama of three little boys) lost her battle with cancer. I hate how that sounds though, because she didn't lose. She gained what each of us truly desire and yearn for all our lives: face to face presence with the Lord, ultimate peace, perfect health, HEAVEN. 

While Preethi was especially sick in the days before her death, I had a hard time knowing how to pray. I was fervently praying for healing, for her boys to be able to keep their mama and for her husband not to lose his amazing wife. I was asking for a miracle, all of us were. But in the back of my mind I remembered praying like this in the days leading to my dad's death. And in the days leading to my dear friend Heidi's dad's death. And in the days leading to my friend Laura's mom's death. So I felt my self asking God is it really worth it? You already know the outcome... and based on the last two years, it's never the way we want it..." Is that lack of faith? I don't know. 

Then I remembered a year ago as we prayed for a miracle over Hannah's sister's baby. We prayed that this baby (who had Potter's Syndrome I believe it's called) would grow kidneys. And a circulatory system. And guess what... God did it. After numerous tests and specialists looking her case over, her baby Jaden was the first EVER recorded case of a Potter Syndrome baby surviving. He'll be one this fall. 

God knows what he is doing. He loves that we ask him for the impossible. He loves that we have faith in him to do the unimaginable. He is there for us when we are disappointed in the outcome, and he is there for us when we are rejoicing over the outcome.

Tomorrow is my second father's day without my dad. I was at Target yesterday and saw everyone huddled around the father's day cards. I started to walk over thinking "oh I should grab one for daaa.... oh yeah." 

I had a dream about dad this week that was really emotional. I was sitting next to him at a table and my head was resting on his shoulder, like I was a little girl just sitting with my daddy. (He was fragile and weak though, as if he was ill. I think I dreamed of him like this since Preethi was so ill and she was on my mind.) I was weeping, since I knew it was a dream, and I knew it was going to be over soon, and he said "tell Sam I miss him and that I love him. And tell  Grace and David and Gil too. And tell mom.... it's okay." I held on to the words he spoke knowing it was a dream, but also feeling like I knew I had to remember as if it was a real message from dad to the rest of the family. I miss him a lot.

It gives me great joy and comfort though, to know that dad is in heaven right now with Jesus. And Preethi. And my friend's little baby. 

I'm so thankful for God's grace over the past two years. Please pray for Preethi's family as they have a tough road ahead of them. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6 - 7

time to stop and smell the... little boys.

life as a stay-at-home mom has been rough lately. i get irritated so easily. messes drive me iNsAne, spilled milk offends me and i swear if max has one more melt down over the fact that i will not allow him to wear gabriel's size 2T track pants, i may just lose it. gabriel is learning the arms-folded-across-his-chest "NO FAIR!" argument. eli is mad if i put him in the high chair or jumperoo. he wants to either be crawling around the house and pulling himself up at the cupboards or book shelf, or he wants to be held. when eli is mad, he yells. a deep yelling cry that i am sure the neighbors can hear across the street. meal times are loud and messy. 

nap time and bed time are my favorite

 parts of the day lately. 

my friends are distant, lately, due to busy lives and trying to manage kids as well. i'm so grateful for my neighbors. they are my life lines at times, my only adult interaction during my day and when matt is gone. i'd be in bad shape if i didn't have them. i thank God for my neighborhood friends.

so, with all of that said, today i decided to slow down, and smell the roses boys. we got our front porch cleared out for the most part, and we have set up a sweet little play area dedicated to boys and toys and books and messes. this is so helpful to me. this morning we put out a blanket, read books, played cars, and enjoyed each other. i captured some of it on my camera. it shouldn't take such deliberate effort, but for me lately, it does. life is hard. relationships are hard. responsibility is hard. all of this effects me, and my mothering. and i need to remember to stop, and enjoy more moments with these kiddos. they will grow up fast, and i don't want to have missed out. 

today i choose to let go of everything 

that is stressing me out, and i choose to hand it over to 

my daddy God. 

(usually i prefer other translations but the message said it well)

Matthew 11:28-30

The Message (MSG)

 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? 

Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. 

I'll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

sweet baby e.

skinned knees, bandaids, bare feet, trains and cars. all boy.

maximo joe, creating car collisions, complete with sound effects.

they are learning to play together

brothers

cooking a meal for mama

The good. The bad. The ugly.

Quick post here. Just a few things on my mind. I have 10 minutes. Literally, until my computer battery runs out.


The Good.
The good right now? 


We have a beautiful home. Every time I come home to it, I am in awe that it is ours. OURS. It especially feels like it is ours since tomorrow I am writing out our first mortgage check. I am getting antsy not being able to decorate. We don't have the money or the supplies. And I can't get very creative with what I do have when I can barely find the time to do the dishes daily. Someday.... Someday I will have the time and resources. Matt won't even let me hang things because the walls are plaster. ugh. 


We have awesome neighbors. Right next to us is a couple that has two small children, a little girl Max's age and a little boy, Gabriel's age. A & T are laid back, and we don't scare them! We had them over for dinner this week and it was a lot of fun. I have good conversation with A and I learn so much from her about natural remedies and better eating. Heck, I made quinoa tonight! Our other neighbors on the corner are super cool too. J & M have six kids, love everyone, have a welcoming front yard that everyone is drawn to, and a super cool house. M understands what it is like being a stay-at-home-mama, she sympathizes with me, she encourages me. She is an amazing listener, I almost feel like I have been to a therapist appointment after I get done talking to her. 

The first of many dinners at our house with neighbors, friends and family

I'm going to California next week!! Me, Maximo and Eli are flying out to spend a week with Uncle Pete, Auntie M, Jackson (or "Jax" as Maximo calls him). I am so excited to have a little vaycay. I am so excited. I will be spending our 8th wedding anniversary there, with my uncle, on his birthday. Matt is a little sad, but he'll get over it :) Gabriel will hang out with his grandma Sue and my mom (yaya) on the days that Matt has to work. 

The Bad.
I've been fighting an infection for the last four months. It is from nursing Eli. It sucks. I have been on five different prescriptions. I'm even on a special diet that I can't eat sugar or flour on. I just continue to pray for healing. Help me God.


Relationships are strained in my life right now. And, it sucks. I don't want to wish for the days past, when everything was "normal"... but then again, sometimes I do. God help me. 


I feel like a mean mom lately. I am irritable (the diet fuels that). I hate messes. I hate making dinner. Except for I enjoyed making the quinoa tonight. Maybe it's just that I hate cleaning up after. I need to try to be a nicer mom. Less yelling. God, help me. 


The Ugly.
I got my hair cut. I feel like it's not really what I had expected. Not ugly per say, but close. It'll grow out right?




That's all I got. Tomorrow is a new day. His grace is sufficient.

It's been a while

(It has been almost six weeks since I have written. We got a little busy... with packing up, moving, unpacking, settling in, etc.)

 Mid-April we said good bye to the sweet house on Van Buren that kept us warm over the winter as we searched for our house. 

This house helped confirmed that we wanted to stay in the Hamline-Midway neighborhood.

Our new house on Englewood Avenue!

We closed on Friday, April 13th. 

A little tour... These are the "before" pictures

our kitchen (taken as I stood in the dining room)

 Kitchen (taken from the back door)

 dining room (taken from the kitchen)

 living room (taken from the foyer)

 living room (taken from the dining room)

 foyer

 our bedroom 

 bathroom 

 more bathroom

gabriel and eli's room

max's room

There is much yet to be done... I cannot WAIT to decorate and use all of my pintrest ideas. These were taken a few weeks ago, so our kitchen already looks so much more "us". I look forward to posting our "after" pictures. Someday.


Two weeks after we moved in we celebrated Gabriel's second birthday with family and a few close friends. We also had our new next-door-neighbors join in on the fun. Pictured below is Gabriel with the Chase twins T-Bone and Beckett to the left, and his new buddy Jakey from next-door to the right. It was a celebration indeed. God has been so good and so faithful to us. 

Hoping I have time this weekend to do some more writing. I've had a lot on my heart, and I feel like there is so much in store for our family and my life. It's exciting, and scary at the same time. Lots of change a'comin'...